Masquerade.
By Jaye Reid.
Written: 15/16-12.2000
Category: V, Angst, R. Mac’s POV.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: DPB and CBS lay claim to our favorite JAG people. I make no financial gain from my ramblings. Don’t bother to sue, I am broke!
Spoilers: Boomerang, Family Secrets (sort of).
Summary: Does the façade people hide behind really protect them? Or does it cause them to forego some of life’s most treasured experiences?
Authors notes: Where did this one come from? Well where does *any* of my writing come from I guess! <g> This one is written as a journal entry. I keep a journal, I would guess many of you do too. They are the perfect place to try and sort out all the feelings that are running around in your heart and head.
This one presumes Family Secrets ended differently.
~*~*~*~
January 1, 2001
It’s 3.27 am, and I’m sitting here on my sofa. Why? Because I can I guess. I’m feeling miserable. I’m getting sick and tired of feeling miserable. Self inflicted I know, but I don’t seem to be able to shake it. That’s why I thought I would write everything that is running through my head down. My New Year’s resolution perhaps. Get it all out of my system and hopefully I can make sense of my life.
Jingo is curled up beside me. My bare feet are tucked close to him, keeping them warm. I couldn’t be bothered putting anything on my feet. But then again, I couldn’t be bothered washing off the makeup I wore tonight. My dress is already relegated to the laundry basket. I put on my favorite ‘lying around home’ clothes, the minute after I walked inside. I just don’t feel like sleeping at the moment.
I don’t know where my mask is. I think Harm might have it.
We didn’t need to be directly ordered to attend the New Years Eve Masquerade Ball. When an Admiral looks at you like that and then *asks* whether you are going… well, I think the entire office must have been *asked*.
I thought it was a silly idea. I hate looking stupid. And believe me, there have been times in the past where I was making it an art form! Besides, it wasn’t as if we didn’t know who everyone was tonight.
When I saw Harm talking to Bud as I walked into the room, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. As if *he* needed the mask on his face to hide behind! He has a more permanent one in place every day of the week.
I’m at a point in my life where I don’t know what the hell I am doing. I thought life would be much simpler after I said goodbye to Mic. One of the best things I have ever done. I didn’t realize until after he was gone, just how much of a weight the relationship had created around my neck. He was a nice enough guy most of the time. But his persistence, that was cute in the beginning, became the bane of our whole existence in the end. He’ll get over it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has already moved on. I think he saw it coming.
So I was finally looking forward to just being me. Not worrying about anyone else in my life. I had written relationships off as a bad joke. Men… nope, couldn’t be bothered with the whole scene. After saying goodbye to Mic that night, I got the call from Renee to find Harm. I didn’t know what to make of their relationship. I mean, okay I am his friend, and I *would* have a few ideas where to find him. But surely after all this time, the obvious place to look… well the *only* place to look, would have been the Wall. Surely she should have been able to figure that much out? I still can’t believe she didn’t realize that.
Harm and I talked. Well, not so much talked. Everything that comes out of his mouth these days is so damn cryptic too. It frustrates the hell out of me. Like tonight. Tonight I think he wanted to push me over the edge.
He and Bud both looked at me when I walked in. I hate masks! I can usually tell what a person is thinking from their eyes. But could I see his eyes? NO! Damn stupid masks. He took a step or two in my direction but stopped when Gunny asked me if I had seen the Admiral. Well it had to be Gunny… as if a mask could disguise him. I think all the single women in the room thought the same thing! He would have so much more fun if he’d just let himself.
Anyway, I didn’t speak to Harm until later. He made some comment about me and the buffet table in front of us. It’s difficult to create an effective glare when they can't see your eyes I decided. He must have missed it because he just continued. He wanted to know how I was coping. He sounded sincere, but then Harmon Rabb Junior *always* sounded sincere when he tried hard. It was an effective tool he used in the courtroom too. But coping? As if I couldn’t get by without a man in my life! He was lucky I didn’t deck him there and then. But my tongue was malicious. I stated quite clearly that being alone was far better than being with someone, yet being an emotional cripple at the same time. He looked wounded, but he wasn’t about to let me get a point up on him. He replied that he guessed it could almost apply to him, accept he wasn’t with anyone these days.
Well… I was struck dumb. No mean feat either. I hate it when he pulls the surprise evidence from nowhere. I wanted to ask what happened with Renee, but I wasn’t about to be drawn into this. Not there, perhaps not anywhere.
He noticed he had won that round – damn! He said he thought I might want to know that it was over with Renee. Well I was happy in a way that he was free. I think I am anyway. I don’t know. I asked him why he thought I would want to know? And in true style, he merely shrugged.
I WANTED TO SCREAM!
He had confirmed on the ferry back in Sydney that he was only like this with me… why did I have to be the poor sucker that he couldn’t open up to? I wanted him to open up to me. To tell me what he thought, how he felt… but would he? Nope! He continued to talk in riddles. Saying so much without saying anything. I think of all his words to me, but none of them say anything that I want to hear. Well I *think* I want to hear him say… well… *something.* What do I have to do, spell it out word for word to him before he will *really* talk to me. I thought I had already said enough, but obviously not.
I excused myself. What could I say? He was free and I was free. What was stopping us from trying to… I think I was scared. I mean what now? Those feelings that I had been able to forget existed *anywhere* within me were surfacing. I wasn’t sure how to deal with them.
I headed outdoors. The balcony was meant to be my shelter. But he followed me.
He said I could physically walk away from him, but I couldn’t walk away from this. Away from *what* I wanted to know? But I didn’t ask directly. I guess I’m just as capable in hiding behind the mask as he is. I mean, what is *this* anyway? I guess I’m afraid to say exactly what I am feeling in case I am rejected. I remember what rejection feels like and I have no wish to return to that place.
He took the mask from my face. I can’t believe I let him. I felt as if *both* masks had been removed. How did I let anyone get that close to who I was? Mic certainly didn’t see this side of me. The vulnerable, self conscious insecure part of my psyche. But Harmon Rabb Junior marched straight in there without knocking, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I told him that when he was ready to talk, and I meant *really* talk, he knew where to find me. I told him I was tired of playing games and hiding behind words. If he didn’t know where we stood, well fine.
Then I left. He just stood on the balcony and watched me. Point to *me* I decided. I think *he* was speechless for a change. I like it when I can render him speechless. It gives his brain a chance to process my words. Well he is a guy. One of my friends always said they weren’t capable of performing too many tasks at the one time. Perhaps this was even true with the great, unbeatable, rarely fazed Harmon Rabb Junior?
I get the impression that he knows where we are, but is afraid to say so too. Surely he knows that I have no intention of walking away from whatever this is? Not without good cause.
But I’m not going to wait for eternity either.
Hopefully he doesn’t make me wait that long.
So, that’s where I left it earlier tonight. I suppose we are both confused and perplexed, but I don’t want to dance to this tune all my life. I’ve put my heart on the line so many times in my life, only to have it trampled on. Well if nothing else, I have decided that it’s his turn. If he can’t open up and tell me *exactly* how he feels, then I am better off without him. I’ll transfer to another JAG office and break all communication.
I don’t know what will happen in the future. No one can I guess, unless they have a magical crystal ball at their disposal. But I would settle to hear something from him that wasn’t a cop out. An admission of some sort. Where it goes next is…
January 2, 2001.
I never finished off my entry yesterday. I had a visitor. I was wondering what person would be crazy enough to knock at my door in the middle of the night. I should have known there would be only one person that crazy. I guess the New Year is a good time to make resolutions, no matter what time of night it is.
Hopefully there won’t be a need for masks anymore.
The End.