A Son’s Promise.
By Jaye Reid
Written: 11 – 12.12.2000
Disclaimer: DPB & CBS, not mine… Harm would be transferred to Australia if they were! Do they need any civilian clerical staff?? Where do I send the application?
Spoilers: Boomerang, and future spoilers
Category: R, Angst (H & M Shipper)
Rating: PG
Summary: Life altering decisions in the snow.
Authors notes: Why not I thought. Yet another take on ‘the wall’ chat. My apologies if this story is similar to anyone else’s. I haven’t been on the net for virtually a week, and I am still trying to work my way through all the stories. I only get access for an hour or so a day and that doesn’t leave much time for reading. I guess there are only so many ways to write something from one line that has been given. Forgive me also if the line is not exact or any other details incorrect. I won’t see the eppy for at least a year, and I am only going by the spoilers posted on the various lists.
~*~*~*~
"I thought I might find you here," said Mac as she trudged up behind Harm through the snow. The candles in the snow along the memorial wall casting a soft glow.
He didn’t turn to her. "Clever aren’t you," he replied sharply.
"Don’t come that attitude with me Sailor! I still out rank you remember?" Mac came back at him. If it was a fight he wanted, a fight from her was what he was going to get. Perhaps this was the only way to shake some sense from his brain?
He scoffed. "Ha! How could I forget? It was one of the many changes around here whilst I was away."
"And I take it my friendship with Mic was another?" she quizzed.
"One of them. But it doesn’t matter now. You won’t outrank me for much longer. Haven’t you heard? I’m resigning my commission."
"Oh I heard. Harmon Rabb Junior is a quitter. Never thought I would have seen the day, truth be told. But then again, you never thought I was a good judge of people," she replied angrily.
"I never said that Mac," he replied, turning to her. "I would never offer a judgement like that. It’s never been my place…"
"Well, perhaps that’s your problem," she briskly interrupted. "You *could* have made it your place, but there was *always* an excuse. Whether it was the chain of command, or you flying again, where we were, you not letting go…"
"You wearing another man’s ring," Harm added, interrupting her tirade.
"Your excuses started long before I accepted Mic’s ring," she chided. "And now Sergi is your excuse. Harm, don’t resign your commission. He was proud of his big brother the naval aviator turned lawyer. If you resign, you’ll be letting him down… he looked up to you."
"I’ve got to do something Mac. And I can’t go and search for him and still stay in the Navy," he replied. The agony evident in his voice.
"Now is no time to be making a life changing decision," she returned.
"So, when is? And I seem to recall you made the decision to accept that damn ring pretty quickly. One moment you wanted… you wanted…"
"I wanted you Harm. But you didn’t want me," she said quietly.
"I *never* said I didn’t want you Mac…"
"That’s right, you just couldn’t let go of your feelings about Diane," she replied.
"Diane? What did she have to do with anything?" came his confused reply.
"When I asked you… when I said that you couldn’t let go… you agreed with me."
"I said not yet Mac. I didn’t say *never*. And what did that have to do with Diane? It had nothing to do with her. What makes you think it did?" he asked.
"I just thought…"
"Well you thought wrong Mac."
"How was I to know? You weren’t very clear were you?" she stated.
"All you had to do was ask Mac. I would have tried to explain it to you."
"Why don’t you try now?" she asked.
Harm turned back to the wall, easily finding his father’s name once again to focus on. "I think it might be too late now."
"There you go! Another excuse!" she retaliated.
"It’s not just another excuse. I can’t tell you what I think…what I feel… when you and Mic are… Mac, look. Mic loves you, you love him… I’m sure you’ll all live happily ever after."
"Harm, I don’t love Mic. Not the way I should. Not the way he deserves. His future wife should love him unconditionally, and I don’t. I can’t."
"Well why the heck are you wearing his…"
"I’m not."
"You’re not?" he quizzed. "What… when?"
"This evening, earlier."
"What happened? Sorry… I guess I shouldn’t…"
Mac shook her head. "It’s okay… I was trying to talk to him about *you* actually. I told him I didn’t know how to help you through this one. He accused me of caring more about you than I did him… and then I realized, he was right. I *do* care about you more. I had to put and end to it there. I couldn’t let it drag on any further. It had gone on far too long as it was."
"I don’t know what to say Mac."
"Say what is in your *heart* Harm. Tell me *now*. What it is you can’t let go of?" she pleaded.
Harm stepped forward and ran his fingers over this father’s name. Could he do it? Was this the time he had been waiting for? He needed to find the emotional strength to do this. And perhaps here, at the wall with his father… perhaps this was the right time.
"When we heard, I thought she was going to die too, Mac," he said softly.
"Who Harm? What do you mean?" asked Mac, closing the distance between them.
"Mom. When they came and told her that Dad was MIA, I thought the pain of losing him was going to kill her. She just… I’ve always been afraid. Afraid of letting go and loving that much. I never wanted to experience the pain she went through. I told myself if I never let myself care, never let myself love someone the way she loved my father… then I would be okay."
"And *have* you been okay?" she replied putting her arm around him.
"I thought I could stop myself from loving… but it didn’t happen. I couldn’t help it. I was trying to sort out how I felt. What it all meant. And then… and then I lost the one person who meant everything to me," he choked.
"Diane didn’t leave you. She was taken from you," replied Mac softly. "It wasn’t something you had any control over."
Harm turned to Mac, and reaching out, rubbed his thumb across her cheek. "I’m not talking about Diane here Mac, I’m talking about you. Diane and I were close, but I didn’t feel half as much for her as I did you. When you and Mic… I wanted to pretend it didn’t matter, that I didn’t care. I didn’t want to hurt the way Mom hurt. I thought that… well with Renee… Mom found Frank. I thought that was the answer. But it wasn’t. Am I making any sense here?"
Mac took his hand and wrapped her gloved fingers around it. "As much as Harm Rabb Junior makes any sense about anything. Yes Harm, I think I know what you are trying to say. But I just wish you had said this that night on the ferry."
"I wanted to Mac. Believe me I wanted to. But I thought I had more time to try and figure it all out. I told you, I was only like that with you. I cared… I *do* care, far too much to stuff it up when I am in such a mess," he replied.
"Resigning your commission isn’t the answer to this one Harm. You can’t just go running off to Russia again," she responded.
"I don’t know what else to do Mac? What else is there for me to do? The Admiral won’t let me go while I’m still in the Navy. I have no choice."
"If you go, then I go. We both know that as far as the language is concerned, they might as well be talking Martian. You’ll need me to translate," she replied.
"No. I won’t let you. This is my fight, not yours," he replied abruptly.
"No Harm, this isn’t even *your* fight. It’s Sergi’s fight that you have decided to take upon yourself. It’s because you’re a control freak and you have to be in control all the time or you go crazy. As much as you think you can save the whole world, you can’t. No one can. You’ve already made *more* than one man’s worth of difference in this world. Let someone else fight this one for you. Please?"
"He’s my brother Mac. I can’t just leave him there," he replied.
"Leave him where Harm? Do you have the first idea where to even start looking? And if something happened to you… who would have to tell your mother, your Grandmother? I would end up with that unenviable task for sure. And I would have to live with the fact that I could have gone and done something."
"But if you went and something happened… I couldn’t live with that Mac. You’re not going with me and that’s all there is too it," he stated.
"Harm… don’t paint me into a corner here. If you go without me, I’ll follow… you know I will," she warned.
"I’m not letting you go with me Mac – final!" he declared.
"Well you’d better think of another way of helping Sergi because if I’m staying home, so are you!" she countered.
"Whatever you say Mac."
"Harm, don’t think you can just agree with me and then disappear. I’m telling you, if you go, I will be on the next flight after you. You won’t be around to stop me."
"You wouldn’t. There is no way you would be allowed to go," he replied.
"Just try me! I guess I would have to resign too," she protested.
"You can’t!"
"Watch me! If you go, so help me Harm I will," she remonstrated. This was a fight she had no intention of losing.
"Please Mac," he pleaded, "don’t do this."
"Well let’s think about this. Webb must owe us more than a few favors. He must have contacts. I think it’s time we called in a few of those favors," Mac commented.
"I can’t lose him Mac. I didn’t feel deprived being an only child, but now… to find out that I have a brother… I want to get to him. It’s a connection to my Dad that I need," Harm tried to explain.
"But…?"
"I don’t want to risk anything happening to you. I can’t risk losing you Mac."
"Well, then I guess we’re staying. Let’s give Clay a call and see what he knows. I’m sure he knows something," she said slipping her hand into his.
Harm turned back to the wall. "Sergi is one of us Dad, he won’t go down without a fight. Look after him Dad until we can get him back. I promise I will find him." Harm dropped his hand from Mac’s and saluted. "Ready?"
"Come on Sailor, let’s go. You must be frozen," she replied.
"What would I do without you Sarah?" he said softly as he took her hand again.
"I don’t plan on letting you find out Harm."
The end…