The Fine Thread.

By Jaye Reid

Written: October 11, 2003

Rating: PG13 for language

Spoilers: ** Up to & including Season 5 + future spoilers & speculation**

Disclaimer: Created by the brilliant Sorkin and WB. Not mine, never will be. I have no money, therefore I'm not worth suing. Borrowed for my own amusement.

Category: Josh/Donna - Serious Angst - Donna POV

Summary: She's not sure what she signed up for, but it certainly wasn't this.

Authors Notes: After too many long nights, I was going to have an early one. Donna however had different ideas. 1:00 am she started ranting in my head and the only way to get her to be quite was to write it all down. By 3:00 am she'd calmed a little so I managed 5 hours sleep before finishing this morning. There might be a Josh POV after this one in the near future. Giving Bridget a break <g>, kindly beta read by Aim because most of it was written in a sleep induced state with only one eye open and it badly needed her checking. Aim rocks and doesn't get enough credit for the brilliant work she produces. You rock Aim! <g>

*****

Help.

He needs help.

You know I have absolutely no idea what the hell I am doing going to whatever smoky dive he's wiped himself out in tonight. This isn't my job anymore. Not that it should have been my job before.

But especially not now.

This is her job. She's the one... she's the one who should be doing this now. Actually, I thought that's where he'd still be. Her place. You know, celebrating their impending joy.

Blah.

I've tried to block it from my mind since he told me this afternoon. It makes my stomach churn to even think about it nearly 8 hours later.

And here was me thinking maybe... finally... Well, that's blown to hell now isn't it. I actually thought something was happening between Josh and myself. Well, up until lately. He's been stressing out lately so I've not worried too much about where 'us' was headed. We've waited this long, a little more time wasn't going to hurt. He needed to concentrate on work.

So much for that.

Pregnant. She's fucking pregnant and he's the father. What in the name of... of *anything*... How the hell did that happen? Well, yeah I know how it happens - but what...

When in the hell did they get back together?

And what was with her asking me if I was in love with Josh? I didn't offer a comment, but come on... we women are intuitive. She's not totally stupid. Well yeah, she must be, she got fucking *pregnant* in a day and age where that can be prevented quite easily.

Unless she wanted to get...

Grrrr... I can't think about that notion at the moment. I'm just so fucking pissed.

Yes, you can tell that when I swear often. I've been told people use foul language because they don't have the mentality to find a better word.

Well, that's crap! People use foul language when they're so damn mad any other form of language is blinded.

Anyway, I'm out in the cold night - again don't ask me why - because my stupid fucking boss, who I thought might be more than that in the very near future phoned me, drunk out of his brain to come and help him.

I should have hung up on him.

I should have said 'get the mother of your unborn child to pick you up out of the gutter because I'm not going to do that for you anymore.'

I should have.

I didn't.

I have no idea why I didn't or why I didn't just hang up on him.

Maybe the shock hasn't worn off yet.

Maybe when she starts prancing around the west wing all pregnant belly and glowing. Maybe then I'll be able to say 'go to hell Josh.'

And really mean it.

*

Today I wanted to tell him to go to hell. At least he had the decency to tell me quietly. There was no real bravo about him actually. He's not telling anyone else. Well, not until he's talked to Amy about it. To be honest I felt sorry for him. I mean Amy hasn't even told him. He had to hear he is going to be a father by accident. Apparently water cooler gossip is not just one of those myths. It really happens.

Don't ask me what he was doing near the water cooler. The only water he drinks is boiled with a decent teaspoon of coffee, sugar and a dash of cream.

Apparently the photocopiers over in the East Wing were either all being used and a couple were in for service. They'd been out of service for a few days. Public service for him, I guess. There were a couple of staffers from over there were invading our space and that's when he heard it. They were talking about how long Amy would last in her job when it got out she was pregnant. Josh said they were talking about whether she would have to resign and who the father was.

They obviously didn't realize Josh was within earshot.

Or that he was... yeah, doing that with her.

Again.

I didn't know he was doing that with her again either, so you couldn't really blame them.

I think he was still in a state of shock when he called me in and told me. I guess... well maybe, just maybe he thought we might have one day... yeah, but I guess not. However, he did say he wanted to tell me. He didn't want me hearing it the same way he found out. He was... well, he tried to be positive about it. You know, if Toby could handle it - fatherhood - then so could he. His mother would finally let him off the hook about grandchildren. Subdued was a good way of describing his mood. This definitely wasn't something planned. I listened to him trying to rationalize it, while all I wanted to do was throw up in the nearest trash can.

Anyway, I'm here at the bar now. All I have to do is find him and drag his sorry ass home. He's gonna feel like crap tomorrow and I'm going to have to put up with that shit, too.

Time to update my resume I think.

I'm past it and I'm too tired to care.

Mentally and physically.

*

He's sitting in a back booth, and looking like death on a triscuit just as I expected. He's concentrating on the half glass of something - hopefully not scotch - in front of him.

I slide into the booth seat across from of him. It's scotch, I can smell it. Damn, if he vomits in my car he'll regret it. I don't get paid anywhere near enough for this crap.

He looks up at me from the glass and I see he's not quite as drunk as I imagined. He's had a few, but his eyes don't have that glazed over 'who am I and where do I live' look about them. He looks...

I don't think I've seen him look this bad since...

Hell, it just got cold in here. The shivers just ran up my spine. I don't think I've seen him this bad since that Christmas a couple of years ago. He's worse than he was at Manchester when he realized he'd screwed up on the big tobacco thing.

"Hey."

Ah, he speaks, and he's not drunk.

"You're not drunk."

He offers a shrug to my statement. What the hell is going on here? He phones, sounding like an absolute mess... well, that might still be the case but it's not the alcohol that's made him like this...

Fuck!

If he's called me out of my bed at 2 am, just to bitch because they've had a fight, I'm going to tell him to well and truly jam his job.

I did not sign up for this.

We sit in silence - one in which I have no interest to maintain. I want to get him home - his, I point blank refuse to deliver him back to her - so I can damn well get back to bed before I have to be at the office in 5 hours.

"Josh, you phoned me, but your just sitting here looking at that glass. Either hurry up and drink the damn thing or leave it so I can..."

"It's not mine."

"What?" I could barely hear him and I'm not sure I heard him properly. His words came out almost as a whisper.

"It's not mine," came clearer although hoarser the second time. "The baby... Amy... It's not mine."

"Oh." Oh indeed.

"She... Well, we only... You know, the once since we broke up but I thought... But she's been seeing someone else at the same time... I didn't know. But she says it's definitely his. The dates and everything... So... So I guess it's a good thing, right? I mean... What sort of father would I have been anyway?"

He's doing this self-depreciating attempt at a smile. Really I don't know why he bothers to try and hide it from me. Me, the one who knows him the best. Well, I used to.

"What are you more upset about Josh? The fact you're not about join Toby in fatherhood or the fact she was sleeping with someone else at the same time you two were... doing, well that?"

"You make it sound like it was some important thing, Donna. It was only the once and I can't even remember doing it. I mean I know I did... But I've sort of... It's a bit of a blank. There was a lot of shit going on around then and well I don't really know what happened." He tries to explain, but really I'm just not wanting to think about any of it at the moment.

"Josh, you slept with her. You thought you got her pregnant. How can that not be..."

"You slept with Calley."

Oh great, just what I need. Josh to drag that up and throw at me again. We've done this before and it's getting old. I throw his own words back at him in a parroting fashion so he might finally get it.

"You make it sound like it was something important, Josh. It was once and I don't really remember doing it. There was a lot of shit going on around then. You know... The President told the world he had MS... Besides, he didn't knock me up. I'm not that stupid."

"Neither am I," he counters after a long pause to think about what I said. The look on his face tells me the penny might have actually dropped on the Cliff issue.

"So it seems - now," I tell him. For a time today he thought he *was* just that stupid.

He sighs and scrubs his face with his hands. He's finally decided to abandon the half glass of scotch.

"Yeah. I'm not... I'm sorta not disappointed this has... Well, that it's turned out this way. Mom will just have to wait a bit longer until I'm ready to take that step. I mean it would have been okay... I'm sure I would have got the hang of it eventually. I was starting to get used to the idea of it all. Well until I managed to catch up with Amy this evening."

Josh is a mess.

There is no other way to describe him at the moment. Thankfully, Leo and I talked after that horrible Christmas when Josh was finally diagnosed with PTSD and we have a verbal agreement that if Josh is on a collision course with - well anything - he's outta there until it's sorted out.

"Come on, I'm taking you home," I tell him as I push myself out of the booth. As pissed as I am I know I can't sustain it for too long.

"Donna..."

"Yes, I'll crash at your place."

Thank you," he breathes. "I'm sorry... I'm just so..."

"Don't worry about," I tell him shortly. I mean really, he's not going to be busy for the next couple of days. Getting Stanley here is my first priority tomorrow.

"Maybe one day you and I can talk and you know... we had a good time at the Inaugural Ball didn't we? Things have been..."

"Yes, we did, Josh. I thought we had something that... but I guess not."

"We did, Donna," he tells me. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.

I'm not in any mood after the turmoil around the office today and having to trek down here to get my sad-eyed boss.

"Josh, can we just leave it today?"

"Okay," he tells me as he falls into step beside me on the way out. He stumbles a little when we hit the cold air. He's probably had a couple over his quota.

"The car is this way," I tell him at short clip.

"Donna, look, maybe I should just get a taxi home. I..."

Hell... I am just so... "You will NOT get a taxi home. I am here. I got out of my bed to come down here because stupidly when you phone and sound like you did tonight I... I... grrrr... I don't know WHAT I felt but I came all the way down here to get you and take you home like the STUPID woman I am. After doing this, if YOU want to get a taxi home - fine! JUST FINE! Just... just don't expect to see me in the fucking office tomorrow!"

I'm so damn angry and fed up and just everything! I leave him standing there on the sidewalk and I head for the car. If he follows, fine. If he doesn't, just as fine. I get to sleep in because there is no way I'm going to work when the sun comes up if I came down here for nothing.

I don't bother using the remote lock. It's late, it's dark and I really don't want all the doors of my car open at once. I stick the key in the lock and when I turn to get in, Josh is standing on the sidewalk behind me.

"You're not stupid and I'm sorry," is all he says and he looks like he's about to cry.

"Get in the car, Josh," is all I can snap back as I get in myself and lean over to unlock the passenger door.

I grip the wheel way too tight on the drive to his apartment. My shoulders actually ache by the time we get there. At this time of night there are absolutely no parking spaces within two blocks of his place so when I do find one, we have to walk.

I'm in no mood for this, but I think you get that already.

He still looks wounded, but I don't care. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. I'm pissed and this is what he did to me after Cliff. No, I'm not being childish - tit for tat. I'm allowed to be pissed, and although now I understand how he must have felt, there really wasn't any reason for it back then. We weren't anything back then. Well, not that we're anything now, but I thought we might... But I guess we're not. He got over the thing with Cliff, but I don't know if I'm that forgiving. I know that's an awful thing to say. He could get over that, but I don't know whether I can get over this. I know it doesn't sound fair, but hell... Why should it be fair?

I wanted it to be me.

Shit, there's a bolt from the blue. Where the hell did that come from? Am I jealous? Am I jealous that for a time it was possible he was the father of someone else's child? No... Couldn't be. I'm not... I have too much going on in my life right now to want to bring a child into the chaos. But... No. No, no, no! Not going to think about that sort of thing. Didn't happen, not the reason. I'm pissed because I am.

We make it to his apartment and I collapse on the sofa.

"Do you want coffee?" he asks.

"Yeah, like I want something that's going to keep me anymore awake than I already am," I toss back sarcastically. I'm really in quite a mood at the moment.

"I'm sorry," he says again as he sits as far away from me on the sofa as he can get.

"Yeah, you already said that," I reply harshly. He's really never seen this side of me.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want. I'll be alri..."

"Yeah, last time you were alright you shoved your hand through a window!" I throw back with a scoff. He's taken aback by my bluntness. I think he's surprised I've brought it up. He gives this nervous kind of small laugh before gets up and paces around.

"I'm not gonna throw my hand through a window, Donna. I'm not there... I'm not..."

"Josh... Josh... You're a breath away from being that guy again. I'm talking to Leo in the morning... Or well, when it's daylight as it already is morning... Don't expect to be working for a few days."

"No."

Yeah, right. Like in my mood at the moment telling me 'no' is gonna make a difference. He's pacing and shaking his head. I toe my shoes off and lay down on the sofa before pulling the afghan off the back and down over me. It's a comfortable couch and I think I'll fall asleep quickly. He doesn't like the fact I've not bothered to counter his protest. It's not long before his face is in front of mine, so I just close my eyes.

"No," he repeats.

"I heard you the first time. Go to bed, Josh."

"No."

"Whatever. Goodnight."

"Donna..."

"Josh..." I meet his whiny tone.

"I'm not... You can't... You're fired."

"Yeah, like that's gonna make a difference," I snort. "You are and I can. I have instructions from Leo."

"Since when?!"

"Since that Christmas," I tell him calmly. I'm not going to let his agitation get me worked up anymore than I was before. I'm rather calm at the moment. I'm just blocking everything else out.

"But..."

"But nothing, Josh," I say and open my eyes. He's still squatting there in front of my face. "Go to bed."

"I hate you," he spits, and for a second I'm crushed. But I remember those Christmases ago and I know the manifestation of Josh in front of me isn't my Josh.

"Yeah, whatever you say," I reply evenly and close my eyes again.

I hear him collapse in a heap in front of me and I open my eyes again.

"No I don't," he barely whispers, he's tearing up. He's such a mess. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean it."

"I know. Please Josh, go and get some sleep." I plead.

"Okay. I'm so sorry."

"I know you are, Josh."

"I didn't mean it. I could never hate you," he tells me almost desperately.

"Nice to know, but please, I need you to go and get some sleep. There are some things you're going to have to do tomorrow." I try to coax him, and I think finally it's working.

"Thank you for... Well, everything," he finally says as he gets up from the floor and heads towards his bedroom.

"That's okay," I sigh. Really, I don't know if I'm going to be able to go through this again, but now all I want is sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep and a friend who isn't broken.

Finis.

BREAKING POINT

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